Love Yourself

I read something the other day that stated “no one is going to love you like you do.” Those words immediately struck a chord with me because it is absolutely true and we so often forget that as we go about our lives. Love is the most desirable feeling known to man, so naturally it is actively sought out.

However, loving yourself–flaws and all–is just as important as any other love relationship you pursue.

I believe self-love is slowly becoming a more keen topic of discussion but it is not practiced and encouraged as thoroughly as it should be. I think this is because sometimes we don’t know how to practice loving ourselves and sometimes we forget our value.

I went through a dark phase after I left my ex-husband where I just didn’t value myself. I mean I knew he had lost a good woman but I wasn’t acting like a good woman. I was out there doing THE MOST. And wasn’t treating myself with dignity and respect nor others. I think I was just disappointed in myself, for allowing myself to get into that predicament where I literally had to start over from scratch. I was cruel, emotionless, and downright didn’t give any f*cks.

I had to work really hard to get back to myself because I knew that wasn’t me. I’m generally a nice person, who respects herself and others, with values and morals, optimistic personality, and full of love, life, and laughter. What I learned the hard way was that self-love is the cure to self-hate.

So how do you learn to actually love yourself?

Here is my 10 step formula to self-love:

  1. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. You are your hardest critic and therefore, you will own your mistake by punishing yourself–hard. Remember mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow, and hard lessons learned. After all, you are human and everyone makes mistakes which is the epitome of accepting your humanness. Once you forgive yourself for your past mistakes you can move on with your life and loving yourself regardless of your mistakes contributes to your self-worth.
  2. Treat yourself. I can stress this enough the importance of self-care. Taking good care of your basic needs such as exercise, nutrition, sleep, intimacy, and healthy social life is a great start to loving yourself. Taking care of yourself allows you to be the best version of yourself. This also includes rewarding yourself, in however you feel necessary. Me personally, I enjoy getting my nails done regularly, this might look different for you but regardless of what it is you do, you deserve it!
  3. Establish limits. Often times, we do too much for other people which takes away from yourself because you are spreading yourself too thin. Believe it or not, learning to love yourself more involves the ability to say no to work, activities or friends and family that drain or harm you physically, mentally, spiritually, or have a negative reflection on you.
  4. Practice mindfulness & move with intentionality. It is important that you are always mindful of who you are, what you think, feel, and want so that you are moving with purpose at all times. This way you will avoid getting sucked into old habits or behaviors that aren’t in your best interest. Moreover, you remain focused and live your life with purpose and design. This also includes protecting your energy, by being cognizant of the people your surround yourself with; never forget that not everyone has your best interest in mind, and not everyone should be blessed with your presence. Protect yourself–you come first.
  5. Make a list of your accomplishments. This is a great way to fall in love with yourself all over again because it serves as a friendly reminder of your self-worth. Focusing on the positive in this way will make you feel good about yourself. You can even take this a step further and have these serve as the basis of positive affirmations that you can reflect on daily.
  6. Start a journal. Writing down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences serves as an excellent form of self-therapy. Journaling is a good way to “vent,” focus on the good, learn from the bad, reflect on your actions, and dialogue with higher self. 
  7. Enjoy your own company. Have fun by yourself, take yourself on a date and go to the movies or go out to eat, do whatever makes you happy. Do things that make you feel good. The point of this is to place your own well being and happiness at the upmost regard.
  8. Try new things. You never know what you like until you try it, so why not pursue new interests. By going outside of your comfort zone you are challenging yourself to grow and be better.
  9. Give yourself a break. I know we all are busy and feel like there is not enough time in a day to get stuff done but if you could just start by dedicating 30 minutes a day to just relax. This could be in the form of a bubble bath, meditation, reading a book, listen to music, etc. Whatever calms your spirit and brings you peace, you need to practice it every day religiously. Make time for yourself! 
  10. Trust your intuition. Think back to the old wise tale I’m sure you heard at some point in your life: “never underestimate the power of a woman’s intuition, it is her secret weapon.” It is absolutely true that your intuition holds power, so listen to your gut and trust your instincts ALWAYS! Furthermore, self-trust is a vital step in achieving self-love. 

So there you have it ladies, the formula to loving yourself right at your fingertips. You might find that you do some of these things already or maybe there are some you need to work on more. Whatever the case may be, I promise you that the most essential part in living in this world as a woman is self-love because no one can take that from you.

So I challenge you to unconditionally spoil yourself, value yourself, and accept your self-worth since self-love is a priceless gift to possess.

Plenty of Fish in the Sea

I can’t even tell you the countless times I have comforted a gurlfriend that finds herself distraught over something their “man” did to them or a fight they had. Shoootttt, I myself have cried over many men; replayed situations over in my head about how I could of went about something differently so the relationship wouldn’t be tragically tarnished. Now that I look back, I realize how stupid I was. And as for my gurlfriends, they were just caught under a guys spell–it happens to the best of us.

But why do we allow ourselves to get so caught up in a man that is no good for us, so much so, that we are afraid to let them go?

I believe it is due to the fact that we are conditioned at a very young age that securing a man should be one of our main goals in life. Making us relationship-oriented beings that place a high value on nurturing our relationships, with our significant other at the top of the list. For this reason, we fear being alone, so we tend to stay in unfulfilling relationships.

This is absolute bullsh*t because trust and believe me when I say, that man you are with is not the cream-of-the-crop of all men. There are plenty more fish in the sea, and I feel like as women we often forget this fact and tend to hold on to failing relationships longer than we should.

Gurl, you hold all the power in the relationship, and don’t let that power go out of insecurities or fear of the unknown. If this guy doesn’t know your worth, let him go because there is a guy out there that will love and appreciate you the way you want them to. Remember you’re a f*cking catch, and if they don’t recognize that from the jump then they aren’t worth your time, effort, or love. Never settle.

Change your mindset, change your life!

Once you do this for yourself, gurl your glow up is about to be life changing. I saw this first hand with my younger sister. She was dating a guy for almost 4 years, that last year they were dating he moved across country due to his job and my sister was seriously planning on moving with him when she graduated college the next year. I think it was the long distance that put additional strain on their relationship and she made the decision to end the relationship. When she finally told me about the break up, I thought it was a little sudden and asked her, “why now?” She simply stated, “because I deserve better.”

I was blown away by her ability to see her value and know what she wants out of her relationship at such a young age. I was proud of her because it is a hard decision to make to throw away all of the time you invested in someone but she has since blossomed so beautifully.

Of course there are times when she feels lonely but I am always there to remind her of all the accomplishments she has made since then and urge her to find comfort in solace and enjoy her endless “me” time. However, when you get to the point where you are truly comfortable and happy being single, the right person will come along wanting to contribute to your growth.

With all of that said, I now challenge you to be that “sister” to friend in need of an encouraging reminder of her value to help her find peace in singleness and keep fishing.

Changing the Story

My very first year of college (probably within a few weeks of the semester starting) I was labelled a “slut.” I’m not sure if it was just the people I was hanging out with calling me that or if the whole school knew about my rendezvous’ but it was out there. I was mortified, embarrassed, and downright ashamed that I had let someone think they could label me in such a way.

It was one girl spreading this rumor about me (at least that I know of). And she let any and every one know that I was a “slut” the entire 4 years I attended that school. Some of my friends would tell me about it, how she spoke to them about me and my promiscuous activities. One of my friends even said, “well you’re not like that now so I really didn’t pay attention to anything she was saying.” I was grateful to hear that although someone took it upon herself to drag my name through the mud, my friends, people who actually knew me didn’t care.

I’m telling you this story in hopes that as women we can leave this type of behavior in the past. For some reason, women oftentimes feel the need to compete and minimize one another. We struggle to trust other women, and therefore, tend to be on guard with other women, and quite frankly it is just sad and unnecessary.

I am a strong believer in lifting one another up rather than tearing each other down.

So lets first examine why we behave this way toward our fellow sex. According to, Tracy Vaillencourt who wrote an literature review analyzing why women behave in this way it is due to a woman’s tendency to express indirect aggression toward other women, and this aggression is a form of “self promotion” and “derogation of rivals.” In other words, women try to make themselves look better by being catty to other women.

There are two psychological theories surrounding women’s use of indirect aggression toward other women. The first theory, Evolutionary psychology, states that women use indirect aggression to protect themselves while diminishing the value of other women. Feminist psychology basically says that because we are taught that our value as a woman lies in securing a man, we turn on each other.

But it doesn’t have to be like this. We don’t have to be like this. So let’s break the mold and be better.

The point of this blog is to empower women. Support one another and just be better by knowing better. I know I get anxious when I’m meeting up with a group of girls because we tend to be so critical of one another. I know my hair, makeup, and outfit all needs to be on point, and everytime I do this, I ask myself, “why am I doing this?” And it’s because I don’t want to be unfairly judged, and it’s exhausting.

So I challenge you to BE the change, change the story of what it means to be a woman.

The Journey Begins

“It is important for women to know who they are and to know what makes their heart sing.”

–Deborah Norville

It is easy to lose yourself in this cruel world. I’m sure we can all vouch to the fact that we lost ourselves at some point whether it be within a relationship, family grievances, or a difficult situation–but the most important thing is that we find ourselves. And once we find ourselves, we know ourselves.

Gurlll let me tell you, once you know who you are, no one can influence you without your permission.

And basically that’s what happened to me. I lost myself in a BAD way in a toxic relationship. I was married. I was all in which way consumed and overpowered by love where I couldn’t help but to see the best in him. I thought I could change him, make him better, until I finally realized that enough was enough. So I let it go.

After I exited the relationship, I finally saw all the damage and hurt I was living with, the bullsh*t I was putting up with, and oh how I missed myself. It’s crazy to fathom how being with one person can really change you for the worst; turn your world completely upside down.

So I did a lot of soul searching, therapy sessions, and self talks to find myself again. To get back to my morals and values my parents instilled within me. Although that whole experience absolutely sucked, it made me better.

I am completely in love with the person I have become. I’m focused, I’m strong, and I’m happy. I’m a completely different person than I was then. And for that I am thankful.

I now know who I am. And you can take it or leave it.

I am:

  • unapologetically black
  • a loving mother to an stupendous toddler
  • military wife (yes, this is my second marriage)
  • first generation college grad (I’m lowkey a nerd)
  • amazing daughter, sister, and friend
  • novice blogger & aspiring author
  • golf player
  • creative mind
  • major foodie

What makes my heart sing:

  • my adorable Aubrey (daughter) she is my EVERYTHING!
  • FOOD
  • binge watching my favorite shows (Grey’s Anatomy is my sh*t!)
  • I LOVE a good meme–I’m obsessed!
  • good sister talks (i.e. women empowerment)
  • and I love love

Of course, these are baseline insights into what makes me me. But I thought you should know who you are talking to, as we undertake this journey together to better understand our gender and life as a whole.

So I challenge you to ask yourself: Who am I and what makes my heart sing? Have you changed as the years have gone by? For better or worse? If it has been for worse, it’s never too late to re-write your story!